


Five Times Natalia's Caution Was (Almost) Thrown to the Wind

by gilligankane



Category: Guiding Light
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-20
Updated: 2009-07-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 00:23:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/591358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gilligankane/pseuds/gilligankane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times that Natalia almost did, but didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Natalia's Caution Was (Almost) Thrown to the Wind

**_i. in the mirror_ **

She almost turns right there, with Olivia’s hand on her arm, and presses her mouth against Olivia’s. She almost turns on her heel and wraps her arms around Olivia’s neck and reaches up and meets the mouth that would be coming down on hers.

She knows that the shawl draped across her shoulders would fall to the ground. She knows that she’d mumble some sort of excuse but not really mean it. She knows her knees would tremble just a little and she’d kind of sway.

She knows Olivia would catch her; hold her up; never let her go.

It makes her  _want_  to turn around, to kiss Olivia until the other woman  _finally_  understood why it is she can’t marry Frank. It makes her want to sneak back into the changing room, clutching Olivia’s hand like a teenager. It makes her want to forget everything that’s going to happen in the coming days.

She knows Olivia would follow her into the small cubicle. She knows that Olivia’s nimble fingers would trace across the v of the dress until she found the zipper on the side and then they’d trace their way down her ribcage until they found something much more interesting. She knows that Olivia’s hands would map out places Frank would  _never_  find and she knows that she’d sway just a little, leaning up against the wall.

She knows that Olivia would catch her; hold her up; never let her go.

She goes to open her mouth, catching Olivia’s eye in the mirror, the way that the other woman won’t actually look at her, letting one hand hover on her shoulder.

She knows that Olivia would catch her; hold her up; never let her go.

She closes her mouth; tells Olivia she needs to try on the other dress.

**_ii. in the kitchen_ **

Olivia is packing again.

They’ve done this once – she walked into the kitchen to see Olivia packing once before, but she managed to get Olivia to stay that time.

Olivia won’t stay this time.

“Hi,” she says hesitantly, because things have been tense lately.

She gets a small smile in response. “Hey there bride-to-be.” It’s not a funny joke.

“So…”

“So, why aren’t you ready yet?” Olivia only glances up to pick up another plate and wrap it gently in bubble wrap. She doesn’t answer, just stares at Olivia like she’ll stop packing, like it’s a mirage and when she blinks after staring long enough, it’ll all disappear.

This is her opening though, it she could garner enough courage to just say it. “I…”

“You’ve got to get going kid.”

“I don’t want to.” She says decidedly. Olivia’s head snaps up so quickly the crack echoes through the room.

“Excuse me?”

“I said,” she steels her shoulders. “I don’t want to get married.”

“Are you five? You don’t _want to_?” Olivia almost snickers and Natalia feels the anger spark inside her chest.

“I’m not going to,” she amends. “Because I don’t love Frank and because you and I are just  _lying_  to each other and I’m just so, so, so,  _goddamn_  tired of it all and we just need to man up. Or, whatever,” she finishes, trailing off. “I love you,” she repeats softly.

“What did you say?”

She blinks. “What?”

Olivia raises an eyebrow. “I said ‘you’ve got to get going kid’ and you just kind of mumbled something,” she says slowly.

She blinks. “Yeah. I, I, uh, said that you’re right.” She backs out of the doorway. “I’m going.”

**_iii. in the bedroom._ **

She wonders if Olivia still has the gun and where she hid it.

If Phillip thinks he can get away with coercing Emma into  _anything_ …

If she can find that gun, Phillip has another thing coming. But like she promised, Olivia has locked it away in a secret place where no one – god forbid, Emma – can find it. Only when she made it Emma-proof, Olivia apparently made it Natalia-proof too.

“What the  _hell_  are you doing?” Olivia snaps from the doorway as Natalia is pulling her hand out of another overturned drawer.

“Where is your gun?” she asks instead of telling Olivia she owes money to the swear jar. “Why did you make it so hard to find?”

“Why are you  _looking_  for it?” Olivia demands, coming into the room and slamming the door shut behind her. “Get out of my drawer!” she snaps when Natalia opens the bottom of the dresser.

“I’m gonna kill that, that  _bastard_ ,” she bites out. Olivia does her best to hide her flinch.

“Alright, sit down.” Natalia doesn’t, just moves to the closet door. “Sit down!”

She drops to the bed immediately. “Olivia…”

“What the hell is going on?” because Olivia doesn’t know yet; doesn’t know how Emma ended up in a courtroom pleading for her father to be set free. “You’re acting like, you’re acting like  _me_. So now,” Olivia shrugs. “I’ll be you.”

“No, Olivia…”

“You need to stop and think  _rationally,_  alright? Whatever you  _think_  you need the gun for, I can probably take care of it,” Olivia smiles warmly, one hand tucking a stray strand of Natalia’s hair behind her ear. “Alright?” she asks in a whisper.

She could tell Olivia. She could tell Olivia and then they’d  _both_  be fumbling for the gun and then all hell would break loose and Phillip wouldn’t be standing when all the dust settled.

 _She_  could be the one to unleash the fury of Olivia Spencer – she, Natalia Rivera, holds that kind of power.

Instead, she sighs and says “Yeah, alright?”

“So, why were you looking for it?” Olivia asks minutes later after a heavy silence settles on them.

“Raccoon,” she mutters, moving off the bed and into the doorway. “I just wanted to scare it,” she offers.

Olivia nods slowly. “Raccoon?”

“Yeah,” she lies. “A raccoon.”

**_iv. in the classroom_ **

She goes back to see Ms. Jennings  _without_  Olivia. Because when she went with Olivia, she didn’t say what she wanted to say – she said the  _opposite_  of what she’d decided to say and it’s because Olivia was standing there, with tears in her eyes and – Natalia knew – her heart in throat.

So she goes back and faces the woman alone, where she can keep her thoughts in working order.

Ms. Jennings isn’t really surprised to see her.

She’s not really surprised Ms. Jennings isn’t surprised.

“I wanted to explain,” she begins, already stumbling over her words, because vaguely in the background noise, she can hear Emma’s tinny voice calling out across the playground.

Those Spencer girls always make her lose her footing.

Ms. Jennings nods. “It’s just that, I think you…”

 _Got the wrong idea_  is the next half of the sentence. Her speech goes:  _I think you got the wrong idea about me and Emma’s mom. We’re friends, best friends. And I’m dating someone – a man, whom I’m happy with. So, just to clear the air, I’m not romantically involved with Olivia Spencer in any sense of the word._

But for some reason, another speech is filling her mind and she can’t stop it:  _I think you should know, just in case anyone gives Emma any trouble, that I’m very much in love with her mother, with Olivia Spencer. I believe in honesty, in dignity, and in Olivia and I wanted you to hear it from me, instead of a parent who thinks we’re polluting their child_.

Ms. Jennings just waits.

She thinks about saying it – the second speech – because it’s the truth after all, and she’s all about honesty, right?

Wrong.

She just keeps hiding under other truths.

“We’re not together,” she ends up saying dumbly.

Ms. Jennings nods – condescendingly, if anything – and gives a small, unsure smile. “Of course, Ms. Rivera. Of course.”

**_v. in the Beacon lobby_ **

In the middle of the discussion between Greg and Olivia – which is more of an argument than a discussion, because Olivia tends to get territorial about the flower arrangements in the ballroom and Greg is slightly allergic to everything that’s in there – she can feel her entire world tilt as she realizes something she’s always known but refused to accept: a pissed off Olivia Spencer get’s her going.

It gets her wound up in a way she never thought she could ever get wound up; it drives her crazy to the point of pure physical awareness; it makes her want to throw Olivia up against a wall and make  _Olivia_  crazy, if only for a little while.

It’s a ridiculous thought, because she hasn’t even gotten the nerve to  _kiss_  Olivia yet, let alone do anything else.

But she can’t stop the blush that starts in her cheeks and spreads throughout her entire body and she thinks she must look like a damn fire engine, she’s so red, but Olivia is too busy shoving Calla lilies under Greg’s nose to notice.

She finds herself leaning forward, up on the balls of her toes and the strain cuts through her calves but she’s  _so close_  to kissing the back of Olivia’s neck that she doesn’t care.

Until Olivia spins around violently and they’re so close that Natalia can smell the cinnamon stuck in Olivia’s mouth as hot breath ghosts across her face.

“Uh, hi?” Because they’re in the middle of the lobby, in  _Olivia’s_  hotel, with paper-thin distance between them.

Natalia smiles nervously, but doesn’t move. “Hi,” she whispers back.

In Olivia’s eyes, she can see the invitation – she can see Olivia giving her permission to lean the couple of inches forward and kiss her. In Olivia’s eyes, she can see the say-so right there: Olivia wouldn’t mind if she reached out and just  _kissed_  her right there for all the world to see.

But she pulls back slowly, because she’s a coward.

Because she doesn’t want to share their first kiss with the lobby and the desk clerks and Greg.

But really,  _mostly_ , because she’s a coward.


End file.
